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Silent Violations: Understanding Stealthing and How to Protect Yourself | Cannabis, Coffee, and Kink: Blog # 2 | Oct. 22, 2024

Writer's picture: KinkJawnKinkJawn




Introduction

Hey, I’m Jenny! Growing up in Philly, I was part of the LGBTQ+, BDSM/Kink, and Swinging/Polyamory communities long before I knew the terms. Pennypack Woods was our sanctuary for self-expression, but we lacked the tools for sexual wellness. 

Fast forward to today, and I’m channeling those early experiences into a more informed and intentional path. I’m now a PhD student in Human Sexuality 🌟, aspiring to become a sexologist and sex therapist passionate about breaking the stigma surrounding these communities so that others don't feel the need to hide. Join me as I explore the intersections of sexual health, mental well-being, safety, empowerment, and everything in between—the kinds of conversations you'd have over a cup of coffee and/or a spliff. Together, we'll foster a more inclusive, informed, and empowered community.



Fri 8/19/22 – First Night at a Swinger Club

It was my son’s 14th birthday. I did the mom thing—cooked for his friends, watched them play in the pool, sang happy birthday, and prepared for a weekend of continued celebration. But to my surprise, after spending the night at our house, my son and his friends decided to head to one of their homes.


Suddenly, I found myself with unexpected free time, and rather than feeling like a left-out mom, I embraced this new phase of motherhood where my son’s independence opened up space for me to explore my sexuality. As they cleaned up, I was already on my laptop, purchasing tickets for Pulse’s event at Flirtation & Freedom, a club I’d heard so much about. It was right around the corner—comvience won.


Not knowing what to wear to a Swinger party I decided on a tight orange dress I’d picked up from Target, paired with my black jean jacket featuring a bedazzled Frida Kahlo on the back. Add some black canvas sneakers, and I was ready. 


When we arrived at the club, I immediately noticed the air hockey table—my favorite. Drinks in hand, I beelined for the table, feeling more into the game than the sex club at that point. But soon, we were approached by a woman. She was petite, light-skinned, with blonde hair, thick but well-proportioned. She introduced herself as Vanessa, and I thought holy hell, this can not be a unicorn?! She wasn’t. Her husband, Mateo, joined us shortly. They were a Latinx couple, and Linda, like me, was Puerto Rican. My initial excitement that Vanessa was a “unicorn” faded, but I was thrilled to meet another Latinx couple. After some conversation, they invited us to the play area.


Things moved quickly. Mateo asked Vanessa for fellatio with the phrase "Cabeza, Mami, cabeza" which still makes me laugh, and Lucien and I sometimes repeat it to each other as a joke. When we switched partners, both men proceeded to put on condoms. 


During play I felt Mateo slip out of my kitty so I grabbed him and slid him back inside of me in one swift motion. So swift that I didn't notice he was cumming and was not wearing a condom until it was too late. I had put his penis inside of me while he was cumming. His semen was also in my hand. I was in such disbelief and I just wanted to get alone with Lucien so I could tell him. When I did his expression matched mine. Neither one of us liked what happened but we both internalized it as our faults. We discussed how we need to be more vigilant about people taking advantage. We both agreed that we were not expecting it from a male in a couple.



Fri 10/28/22 – Halloween Weekend

We’d been to a few events by now, and it was Halloween weekend. I dressed as Leeloo Dallas, and I was killing it. There was a small group of lovely single men we invited to join us, along with another couple and a single woman. Lucien and I enjoyed ourselves and thought it was a good night.



Tues 11/1/22 – The Aftermath

A few days after, I started to notice mild itching in and around my lady bits but did not think much of it. Lucien and I had sex in the shower, and afterward, while cleaning myself, I felt something hanging out of me. Panic set in—I thought my who ha had prolapsed from all the sex I was having. That I was being cursed for being a bad person. I asked Lucien to check, and fortunately, my vajayjay wasn’t prolapsed.


Unfortunately, there was a condom hanging out of it. Someone from Friday night had started with protection, but when it slipped off, they continued without it. The horror that followed was hard to process. I realized that this someone not only let the condom slip off but that they came inside me without my consent. I instantly felt physically sick. 

I scheduled an appointment with Planned Parenthood ASAP.



Thurs 11/3/22 – Planned Parenthood

While at Planned Parenthood I felt embarrassed and ashamed telling my story to the medical professionals. I feared they would judge Luicen for being a brown man and think he and his friends use me to run trains on. So I asked Lucien to stay in the car.  


I felt so much shame while laying in the stirrups, but the head doctor was kind and calming. It was then, as I lay there, that she informed me of another condom inside me. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I wished I had my Lucien with me.

The diagnosis was vaginitis—a vaginal infection—and a yeast infection. They wreaked havoc on my coochie. I had vaginal inflammation, ulceration of my vulva, itching, burning, painful urination, discharge and odor. I was on antibiotics for a week and during that time the main form of relief was when I used a cotton swab to remove cotton looking culsters from my vaginal opening. Lucien helped me through it. He helped me swab my vaginal opening, and cared for me in a way I never imagined. Through the frustration and tears, I realized how much he loved me.



Learning About Stealthing

It wasn’t until six months later that I mustered the courage to tell a friend what had happened. They told me it was called "stealthing"—a form of sexual assault. My initial courage faded into nausea as the reality of it sank in, but I was grateful to my friend for giving me the language to understand my experience.



Advice On How To Manage And Cope With Stealthing Or Any Non-Consensual Sexual Behavior


1. Trust Your Instincts

Always trust your gut feelings in any sexual situation. If something feels off—whether it’s someone’s behavior, their approach, or your level of comfort—give yourself permission to pause or stop the interaction entirely. You are never obligated to continue if you feel unsure.


2. Check for Consent Regularly

Consent isn’t a one-time check—it’s ongoing. Encourage open communication throughout sexual encounters. Phrases like "Is this okay?" or "How are you feeling?" can create space for both partners to check in and ensure mutual comfort and consent.


3. Use Female/Internal Condoms

If you feel uneasy about relying solely on your partner to use a condom, consider using female or internal condoms, which you have more control over. These offer protection against pregnancy and STIs without requiring your partner to wear a male condom.


4. Be Assertive About Your Boundaries

Before entering a play situation—whether it’s with a partner, in a couple, or at a lifestyle event—be very clear about your boundaries. Let others know explicitly that you expect condoms to be used and what forms of contact are off-limits for you. Don’t hesitate to reinforce these boundaries throughout the encounter.


5. Keep an Emergency Kit Handy

Consider carrying a small "emergency kit" that includes extra condoms, lube, and wipes. This kit can also include emergency contraception (such as Plan B), as well as a list of local clinics or hotlines you can turn to for support if something goes wrong. This can provide peace of mind.


6. Post-Incident Care

If stealthing or any sexual violation happens, it’s important to prioritize your health and well-being. Even if you have a tubal ligation or other form of birth control, STI testing is essential. Planned Parenthood and other clinics can provide confidential and compassionate care. In addition, talking to someone—whether a friend, therapist, or support hotline—can help you process the emotional impact.


7. Legal Options

In many places, stealthing is increasingly recognized as a form of sexual assault. Consider looking into your legal rights, especially if you feel comfortable reporting the incident. Some regions have specific laws against stealthing, which can provide a path to justice if you choose to pursue it.


8. Know the Resources Available

If you’ve experienced stealthing or non-consensual behavior, there are many organizations that offer support, such as:

  • RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) offers a confidential, 24/7 hotline 

  • Planned Parenthood provides STI testing, emergency contraception, and other services in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.

  • Therapists or counselors specializing in sexual health or trauma can help you navigate your emotional response after an assault.


9. Create a Code Word

If you are exploring lifestyle events with a partner or group, establishing a code word or signal to discreetly communicate if you're feeling uncomfortable or unsafe can be extremely helpful. This allows you to leave or shift the situation without creating an awkward or pressured environment.


10. Normalize Safety Conversations

Having a pre-event or pre-encounter conversation about safety, expectations, and boundaries should be seen as the norm, not an exception. Encourage others to make safety and consent part of the regular conversation, especially in spaces like lifestyle clubs where mutual respect is key.



Q&A Section

Have Questions? We Want to Hear from You!


As we explore the fascinating world of sexual health, mental well-being, and alternative lifestyles, I encourage you to submit your questions or topics you'd like me to cover in future posts. Whether you're curious about the Lifestyle, seeking advice on relationships, or looking for resources, I'm here to help!




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